St Neots Citizen

Grotty Berkshire town Slough today collectively hit out at St Neots residents’ excitement over tomorrow’s opening of the UK’s biggest Iceland store.
The frozen food giant is returning to the town with a prime Market Square location after an absence of over three years. The new store, in the former Woolworths unit, will be the largest in the country.

Human car crash and former Atomic Kitten Kerry Katona is rumoured to be opening the store, despite being very publicly on holiday or rehab in the Costas; and the Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot has it that the first ten shoppers will receive a free King Prawn Ring.

This “social event of the year” is very exciting for St Neots locals and a new store opening certainly bucks the trend of closures in recent months, with Birthdays, Cambridge Building Society and Priceless Shoes all vanishing in the last few weeks. But the people of Slough collectively scoffed at the town today, saying the UK’s biggest Iceland was akin to getting excited about having a slightly larger little toe than anyone else.

“We had the biggest Tesco for ages,” said local office manager David Kent. “That was the actual biggest supermarket in the UK. That, my friend, is impressive. There’s no point having the biggest Iceland. It’s like being the fastest person to run a marathon with your eyes closed. Impressive, but there’ll always be some clever bastard with their eyes open who does it in half the time.”

Local council members were shocked at Slough’s diatribe. Julia Wayward said, “I really don’t see what their point is. I mean what the fuck. We’re the biggest town in Cambridgeshire – Slough isn’t even the biggest shithole in Berkshire.”

The mayor of Slough refused to comment, except to point out that they had more mini roundabouts. Derek Miles said “St Neots is working to install more roundabouts all the time and we hope to be UK record holders by 2015, ensuring at least £1.27 of EU funding.”