News In Brief
Local Perv “Upset”
A former St Neots “pant pincher” has accused the Council of misrepresentation. “When I read that the council had installed a “dump” cam I was well excited,” said Fred Gaines, 61. “No more lurking around the public lavvies and getting nicked by plod. I rigged myself up with new computer only to find a grainy... »
Councillor Caught Thinking
In a Citizen exclusive we can reveal that local Councillor Terrence Dougall has been caught "thinking for himself." In a move that will shock many, not least his constituency party, Mr Dougall has finally followed through his intention to use his own brain for "working stuff out." Last week, in an unprecedented move, Mr Dougall... »
Local Chavs “Confused, Lost and Lonely” says Social Worker
Dee Dington, a local nosey cow social worker has stepped into the row over the ever shrinking facilities for youth in the Town. "It really is horrific. First we refuse to provide multi-screen cinemas, health spas and sports facilities every 300 yards. Then we shut the only place where our deprived youngsters can binge... »
Retailers Kick Up A Stink
A number of local retailers have been kicking up stink, after it was announced that the High Street would be closed for a month. The road closure for work on the sewerage system was publicly announced just days before Iceland opened on the Market Square. Many retailers have been left furious by this, and fear... »
Town Council Embraces The CyberAge!
St Neots Town Council officials have wholeheartedly embraced the inter-net revolution The Citizen can exclusively reveal. A local website has published the “tag” of councillor “DeffaM” and you can follow his exploits on growing anti-social networking site “Twit…Err?” Tim Berners-Lee was unavailable for comment. »
Town Council Not Sitting On Fence
Town councillors have demanded that the County Council take action in repairing the broken fencing along part of Cambridge Street. The call for action to be taken on the fencing comes amidst concerns that it is dangerous and makes the are look more unsightly. The Town Council have been keen to point out it is... »
Confusion As Entire Country Does Not Move Into Town Centre
A spokesman for the Icelandic government today announced that the entire country was not packing up and relocating to empty local Woolworths stores. Prime Minister Geir Haarde’s aide Olaaf Davesson re-iterated earlier statements that the country, and it’s population, was staying put. “I am as acutely aware as the rest of Europe,” said Davesson, “that the... »
Local Store Accidentally Discovers Fireproof Money
Following a break-in at the Co-op food store in Great North Road, during which intruders attempted to gain access to the contents of the cash machine using a blow-torch, the manager has claimed to have discovered “Fireproof Money”. “Yep,” said Dave Bedejaz, 42. “They scorched the cash machine and the ceiling and all sorts, but... »
World Record Attempt By St Neots Youths
Local youths in St Neots are, according to a spokesman, attempting to break a world record in baking cakes. Over the past week teenagers have been seen coming out of shops with packs of eggs and flour. When questioned one anonymous fellow said, “Er, me and a load of others are planning to bake a... »
Local Paper Lies
A local man was shocked last week when the Town Crier lied to him. Pete Jenkins, 34, of The Hives, picked up his free copy of the Town Crier from his doormat to be greeted with a full wrap-around advertisement for a local VW dealership. However, Jenkins was surprised to discover that the advert was not... »
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