Tag Archive
Monday Opinions: What’s Pissing You Off This Week
In a new recurring series that will run as long as we can be bothered with it, the Citizen went out and about in St Neots over the weekend to find out what is getting your backs up this week. Number one on your hitlist is still the debacle over the St Neots cinema. Despite... »
Illiterate Chavs Confuse “McDonalds” With “Decent Shops”
Stupid local chavs today proved themselves to be slightly thicker than previously thought, by confusing a fast-food outlet with high-quality retail emporia. St Neots “rude boy” Marly T. Murphy failed to engage brain before mouth, and leaked the following badly-spelled statement onto the otherwise pristine St Neots forum: “weve got a kfc why havnt we... »
Local Chavs “Confused, Lost and Lonely” says Social Worker
Dee Dington, a local nosey cow social worker has stepped into the row over the ever shrinking facilities for youth in the Town. "It really is horrific. First we refuse to provide multi-screen cinemas, health spas and sports facilities every 300 yards. Then we shut the only place where our deprived youngsters can binge... »
Decision To Stop Making Decisions Nearly Taken
Collusion between otherwise opposing sides of St Neots public representatives has virtually disabled The Citizen, The Citizen can exclusively reveal. Almost overnight all parties, including most local papers, have collectively decided to stop making decisions about anything remotely important and will instead concentrate their efforts on deciding which colour cat should be reported missing... »
Eynesbury Razed To Ground While Cops Natter
Urban St Neots Eastside wasteland Eynesbury was set fire to last Monday evening. Beginning in a half full blue wheelie bin, the fire quickly took hold and burnt out the last 3 remaining working motors in Mallard Lane. From then on it was difficult to tell which was derelict property and which had been torched... »
New Facebook Blamed For Pub Disappearance
The new layout of social networking site Facebook, launched earlier this year, has been blamed for the recent disappearance of listed Eaton Socon pub The Bell. Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout. The situation took a... »
Council Plans To Alter Passage Of Time
St Neots Town Council are hoping to alter time and possibly reality, by staging the 2007 Christmas lights switch-on this week. Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007’s decorations as a... »
St Neots Boy Racer In Premier Driving Line-up
It seems that not only racing drivers from old, lined up in Huntingdon with the racing pedigree of Lola Cars. Local chav Wayne Thursday and his chavette girlfriend Madison were there too. When asked how he felt about being in the lineup Wayne replied, “Took a wrong turning did’n I. Me, Mad and my pug were then in... »
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – A St Neots Epidemic?
Latest research has shown that the populous of St Neots now has the largest proportion of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder sufferers…in the world! The syndrome, variously described as “stropy little git”, “thrush (irritating c***)” or “vicious bastard” disease, affects approximately all the offspring of the towns socio-economic status classified “D” and “E” groups. Exactly how... »
New Speeding Measures In Nelson Road
Motorists speeding along Nelson Road are in for a shock. The council is installing the first ‘road points’ system. Those exceeding the limit will find the road switched to an exit ramp joining the A1 Councillor Steven Bakander said “They will find themselves redirected to an environment more appropriate to their speed.” Garry Wembley in his... »
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