Tag Archive
Illiterate Chavs Confuse “McDonalds” With “Decent Shops”
Stupid local chavs today proved themselves to be slightly thicker than previously thought, by confusing a fast-food outlet with high-quality retail emporia. St Neots “rude boy” Marly T. Murphy failed to engage brain before mouth, and leaked the following badly-spelled statement onto the otherwise pristine St Neots forum: “weve got a kfc why havnt we... »
St Neots To Lose A1 Exit
Under a new ruling by the Government, following a “brilliant idea” from Brussels, St Neots is to lose one of its three A1 junctions in an attempt to reduce traffic. Local councils, backed by the Government, have long been fans of half-arsed schemes to reduce the number of cars on the road, such as pinch-point... »
Hole Appears In High Street
A large hole has appeared in the centre of St Neots, causing concern and outrage amongst local traders. The hole materialised over night last week and there was initially some confusion amongst local councillors that it might be the same one that had been existing for some time, undetected in the Town Council’s budget. Cllr Julia... »
Retailers Kick Up A Stink
A number of local retailers have been kicking up stink, after it was announced that the High Street would be closed for a month. The road closure for work on the sewerage system was publicly announced just days before Iceland opened on the Market Square. Many retailers have been left furious by this, and fear... »
UK’s Biggest Iceland “Nothing To Brag About” Says Slough
Grotty Berkshire town Slough today collectively hit out at St Neots residents’ excitement over tomorrow’s opening of the UK’s biggest Iceland store. The frozen food giant is returning to the town with a prime Market Square location after an absence of over three years. The new store, in the former Woolworths unit, will be the... »
Confusion As Entire Country Does Not Move Into Town Centre
A spokesman for the Icelandic government today announced that the entire country was not packing up and relocating to empty local Woolworths stores. Prime Minister Geir Haarde’s aide Olaaf Davesson re-iterated earlier statements that the country, and it’s population, was staying put. “I am as acutely aware as the rest of Europe,” said Davesson, “that the... »
Woolworths To Become New Shopping Concept
Word on the street in St Neots is that Woolies is to make way for an all-in-one shopping complex, the like of which the town has never seen. Beatty Broadband, of the Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot (now incorporating the St Neots Rumour Mill) limited, said that the company had been keeping a tab on all... »
Lib Dems Secretly Win Secret Election
The Town Council's ruling Liberal Democrats were secretly celebrating this week after a secretive victory in a secret election. Van der Steven promised to be accessible to the people of Eynesbury via a premium-rate number. "It's a good plan this," he commented »
Local Man Relieved After Abbey Purchase
Luke Street resident Dave Elsan, 19, was today said to be relieved after banking group Santander, who own Abbey, purchased failed Bradford & Bingley. B&B this week became the latest victim of the banking crisis, following swiftly behind Lehman Brothers and HBOS; and was broken up for sale. “I was petrified,” said Elsan. “The girl... »
Grand Opening Of More Empty Shops
St Neots Council today proudly announced the addition of another fourteen empty shops to the town centre. Paines Brewery on the Market Square has stood empty since the late eighties, and after years of stalling has finally been converted into shops, offices and maybe flats, said Cllr Roy Maloy today. “Empty shops now make up a... »
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