Tag Archive
Small Town Mentality “Not A Disease” says NHS
After years of conjecture, Norman Henry Sampson (NHS) has decided to end, once and for all, the debate over whether living in middle-English, non-descript, average market towns was an indicator of mental instability. Mr Sampson, speaking form his chair just outside cafe Nero, said “I’m fed up with newspapers makin’ out we’re all tiny minded,... »
New Facebook Blamed For Pub Disappearance
The new layout of social networking site Facebook, launched earlier this year, has been blamed for the recent disappearance of listed Eaton Socon pub The Bell. Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout. The situation took a... »
Council Plans To Alter Passage Of Time
St Neots Town Council are hoping to alter time and possibly reality, by staging the 2007 Christmas lights switch-on this week. Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007’s decorations as a... »
Miles “Not Mad After All”
Town Council leader Derek Miles has revealed that he is not, in fact, going insane, but has been a victim of American Soap Syndrome, or ASS. Various news sources including the Citizen have carried stories recently that cast Cllr Miles in a “delicate” frame of mind, his behaviour growing increasingly bizarre. But following investigation by... »
Greenwich Mean Time “Actually Mean” Says Local Man
Eaton Socon resident Felix Dakaat this week revealed that, according to his studies, Greenwich Mean Time is indeed “quite mean”. “I’ve been wondering about this for a couple of years,” said Dakaat, 43, of Shakespeare Road. “I have analysed the weather patterns over the course of the last five years and it seems that all... »
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – A St Neots Epidemic?
Latest research has shown that the populous of St Neots now has the largest proportion of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder sufferers…in the world! The syndrome, variously described as “stropy little git”, “thrush (irritating c***)” or “vicious bastard” disease, affects approximately all the offspring of the towns socio-economic status classified “D” and “E” groups. Exactly how... »
Locals Speculate On True Identity Of St Neots Panther
Following a spate of lamb killings on farms around the area, residents have dismissed the obvious explanation of foxes in favour of urban legends involving big cats. It is quite normal for a number of young sheep to be eaten by natural predators before they grow up, but St Neots locals are not willing to... »
St Neots “Not Centre Of Universe” Claim Scientists
Scientists at CERN, the Swiss research facility responsible for the failed Big Bang Machines, have stunned St Neots residents by revealing that the town may not, as was previously believed, be the absolute centre of the universe. During an incident last week, when part of the Large Hadron Collider overheated by almost 100°c, a copy... »
CERN Experiment “Not Sexual”
CERN today re-iterated that their so-called “Big Bang Machine” had nothing to do with sex. Since like week bad jokes about the LHC, previously rumoured to be underneath St Neots, have proliferated in both internet and graffiti form. Spokesman Guillaume le Trec, for CERN, said, “We are very tired of this. Truly, we do not want... »
St Neots Large Hadron Collider Mix Up Solved
Further to the earlier report that St Neots was home to worlds most expensive catherine wheel, The Citizen can now exclusively reveal the source of the misunderstanding. What had actually been spotted was a Small Colander Divider (SCD) in the latest Bettaware catalogue. Used to separate peas and sweet corn when being heated, this revolutionary... »
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