Tag Archive
Aliens Abduct Entire Town Council
Keen watchers of Town Council politics cannot fail to have noticed the recent absence of activity amongst its members. The usual high profile civic campaigns; dodgy fences, purple-headed bollards, 2ft high bumps in the road to name a few, have quietly disappeared from our pages. Claims that they've been "told" to reign their necks in... »
Decision To Stop Making Decisions Nearly Taken
Collusion between otherwise opposing sides of St Neots public representatives has virtually disabled The Citizen, The Citizen can exclusively reveal. Almost overnight all parties, including most local papers, have collectively decided to stop making decisions about anything remotely important and will instead concentrate their efforts on deciding which colour cat should be reported missing... »
Eynesbury Razed To Ground While Cops Natter
Urban St Neots Eastside wasteland Eynesbury was set fire to last Monday evening. Beginning in a half full blue wheelie bin, the fire quickly took hold and burnt out the last 3 remaining working motors in Mallard Lane. From then on it was difficult to tell which was derelict property and which had been torched... »
Town Council Rethink On Election Strategy
The Citizen understands that the Town Council has appointed the team that brought a landslide Democrat victory in the USA to run its next election campaign. In a stunning move to outflank opposition contenders changes to party representatives have already started. The citizen tracked down council leader Bereck Omilea for a comment. Sporting a 16... »
“Fuck The Lot Of You!” Says Town Leader
In an apparent bid to sway public opinion in favour of the the Town Council and copy the current tactics of the Nu-Labour government, Council leader Derek Miles, speaking at the party’s monthly conference today, decided honesty was the best policy. At a hastily arranged press conference, Councillor Miles said “I’m fucking fed up with... »
St Neots “Will Never Join Sexual Revolution” Says Town Elder
The national furore over the lyrics to American hot babe and vocaliser and songstress Katy Perry’s tune, “I Kissed A Girl” has finally hit St Neots. Local defender of standards and former town councillor Bob Topshelf, 91, said, “They tried it in the Sixties and we fought them on the banks of the Ouse. It’s... »
Sandbanks Now Rivalled by Eynesbury Riviera
Multi-million pound properties in the exclusive Dorset region of Sandbanks have been pushed into 5th place in the list of the world’s most expensive real estate by the current development on the Great Ouse East Bank. Even the most fervent supporters of St Neots lifestyle and living have been surprised at how exclusive these riverside... »
St Neots Multi-Screen Has New Backer
In an amazing turn of events the doomed scheme to provide St Neots with a state of the art multi-screen cinema complex has been revived due to the interest of a major movie chain. “All Things Electrical (And Widescreen Cinemas) 2008 Ltd.” yesterday announced that they could provide, at no cost to the Town... »
Summer Water Shortages Hit St Neots
Anglian Water has announced that the record sunshine (4 hours, 22 minuts and 14 seconds) experienced in town over the weekend has evaporated the reserves that the company has worked so hard to conserve over the past three years of continuous rain. Although spending just over £3bn of taxpayers’ money and £1.33 from Anlian’s profits,... »
Local Magazine Campaigns To Save Local Phoneboxes
From Oi! Magazine issue five. Save Our Phone Box Campaign. BT’s decision to close several public toilets in St Neots town centre has caused outrage amongst the local youth underclass. Many of these adolescents were conceived in these urinals and as such could claim them to a be “home from home” under the 2006 “Right to Claim for... »
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